My best friend informed me she knows about something I haven't been able to tell her for years. She was told of this very personal and horrible secret, and fortunately she isn't angry.
It was SUCH a relief that she knows and now there are absolutely no secrets between us. She understands my hesitation in telling her, and that means a lot.
I think we are closer because of it. I still wish things hadn't happened but I'm glad she could hear the facts and not get upset.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
I don't care what they say..
..I'm in love with you. - Leona Lewis
So for a week the man of my dreams was here with me. Then he left. And took my heart with him. Cheesy I know, but very true.
I can't quite say that we love each other, but we're definitely falling in love. I know I am at least.
I miss him so much this sucks. All the stupid cheesy songs keep playing at restaurants and in the car..I can't escape them.
I miss Chris :(
So for a week the man of my dreams was here with me. Then he left. And took my heart with him. Cheesy I know, but very true.
I can't quite say that we love each other, but we're definitely falling in love. I know I am at least.
I miss him so much this sucks. All the stupid cheesy songs keep playing at restaurants and in the car..I can't escape them.
I miss Chris :(
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
One sided
It sucks being in love with someone you're pretty sure isn't in love with you. They tell you not to worry and that they like you etc, but their actions don't show that.
I have fallen in love with this guy. I know it is going to be insanely hard because we live so far apart and he talks to lots. of. girls. but I want this. And I know he does too, but I wish he could show me more. He texts other girls, is vague about things, and just leaves me with an overall sense that something's not right.
And I thought I was the commitment-phobe. It seems I'm the one wanting to the commitment this time. Sigh. I don't know what to think or do. I just want to be with him. I wish I could up and move but I can't.
I feel destined to be alone. When I finally found the right guy, he ends up living too far away for us to work. Should I just give up? Seems like it..
I have fallen in love with this guy. I know it is going to be insanely hard because we live so far apart and he talks to lots. of. girls. but I want this. And I know he does too, but I wish he could show me more. He texts other girls, is vague about things, and just leaves me with an overall sense that something's not right.
And I thought I was the commitment-phobe. It seems I'm the one wanting to the commitment this time. Sigh. I don't know what to think or do. I just want to be with him. I wish I could up and move but I can't.
I feel destined to be alone. When I finally found the right guy, he ends up living too far away for us to work. Should I just give up? Seems like it..
Monday, January 18, 2010
My Reality
This guy is here..my guy. What we shared before we met felt more real than anything I've experienced in a long time. Now he's here, now the reality's here. And it's even better.
I can hold him in my arms, smell his scent. Feel the touch of his lips against mine..
This is the most amazing feeling ever. I am in heaven. Everything is great. I want this.
But when he leaves, I'm afraid he'll take my reality with him..
I can hold him in my arms, smell his scent. Feel the touch of his lips against mine..
This is the most amazing feeling ever. I am in heaven. Everything is great. I want this.
But when he leaves, I'm afraid he'll take my reality with him..
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Procrastination..at it's best!
So..there's this guy. I kinda like him. He lives a ways away and I have never met him. We first started talking online when we were like 13. Yahoo chat, etc. Then we talked on Messenger over the past 10yrs and lived our lives etc. Never really talked much, kinda wanted to meet, but it just never happened.
In two days we will finally meet. After all this time. How exciting! Am I nervous? HELL YES. But is it worth it? Again, HELL YES.
In the past month or so we've been talking pretty much every day. Fun stuff. So I think we've gotten to know each other pretty well. Now we'll see how we handle the dating situation. Maybe we won't like each other. Haha. Or maybe something spectacular will happen..like oh..I don't know..he'll completely win me over. My pessimism is pretty set. So it'll take a lot for me to believe I should be happy..just be happy. I don't know if I know how. I'm hoping he'll show me. I don't know. I guess we'll see.
So anyway, the point of this post is really about how I was supposed to clean my apartment long ago, and here we are two days before he visits, and it's still a mess. I really need to get motivated..blah.
Sincerely,
The Girl Upstairs
In two days we will finally meet. After all this time. How exciting! Am I nervous? HELL YES. But is it worth it? Again, HELL YES.
In the past month or so we've been talking pretty much every day. Fun stuff. So I think we've gotten to know each other pretty well. Now we'll see how we handle the dating situation. Maybe we won't like each other. Haha. Or maybe something spectacular will happen..like oh..I don't know..he'll completely win me over. My pessimism is pretty set. So it'll take a lot for me to believe I should be happy..just be happy. I don't know if I know how. I'm hoping he'll show me. I don't know. I guess we'll see.
So anyway, the point of this post is really about how I was supposed to clean my apartment long ago, and here we are two days before he visits, and it's still a mess. I really need to get motivated..blah.
Sincerely,
The Girl Upstairs
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Does Love Exist
A friend on Facebook posed the question: "Does love exist?"
Such a good question. I want to say yes. I know the love between my son and I is real, as is the love between my family and I and with my friends. But as far as romantic love goes, does it exist?
As 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 [NIV] states, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
..that says it all. I think it is extremely difficult to find that in a romantic relationship. There always seems to be mistrust, impatience, and recording of wrongdoings. And most of the time little lies are told when you know the other person will be upset by something, however small, you've done. This is common in almost every relationship, as far as the ones I've been in.
I think if both parties are willing to follow that mantra, the one that the Bible clearly states, then you can have love. But when does that happen, really?
I'm still searching for the person who is completely trustworthy. I'm still searching for the one who makes me be a better person for myself as well as them. I truly believe love exists, but I don't know that I've ever felt true, honest, trustworthy love. I hope it's out there.
Thoughts?
Sincerely,
The Girl Upstairs
Such a good question. I want to say yes. I know the love between my son and I is real, as is the love between my family and I and with my friends. But as far as romantic love goes, does it exist?
As 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 [NIV] states, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
..that says it all. I think it is extremely difficult to find that in a romantic relationship. There always seems to be mistrust, impatience, and recording of wrongdoings. And most of the time little lies are told when you know the other person will be upset by something, however small, you've done. This is common in almost every relationship, as far as the ones I've been in.
I think if both parties are willing to follow that mantra, the one that the Bible clearly states, then you can have love. But when does that happen, really?
I'm still searching for the person who is completely trustworthy. I'm still searching for the one who makes me be a better person for myself as well as them. I truly believe love exists, but I don't know that I've ever felt true, honest, trustworthy love. I hope it's out there.
Thoughts?
Sincerely,
The Girl Upstairs
The Bachelor[ette]
Ever see that movie with Chris O' Donnell in it? That's what I think anytime some kind of commitment is brought up now..lol. When women ask him to marry them, he gets this visual of wild horses running, as if that's all he wants to do, so that's what he sees. I get that same type of feeling when I think about commitment. It's not that I don't want to be happy for the rest of my life with someone, but something always mucks it up.
In all of my exs' defense, I will say that I nitpick when I'm in a relationship to find something, anything, wrong so I have to get out. In my defense there usually is something going on. I have an incredibly strong intuition that senses problems (like lies, withholding information, cheating, etc) and I pick up on the slightest things. But sometimes I think I "activate" my intuition on purpose because I'm uncomfortable being comfortable, if that makes any sense.
I guess I just love that new relationship feeling. The goosebumps, the butterflies, the scenes taken straight from a romantic comedy. I thrive on that feeling. So once things become comfortable and predictable, I get bored. I stir up drama to get out. I do, I admit that, I know that. So how do I fix it? How do I change?
I refuse to stop listening to my intuition. I don't want to fall ignorantly for someone who's going to break my heart. Who does? But how do I calm that intuition so I can get over tiny things that I'm sure I myself do, like flirt with the opposite sex. Everyone does it, even when they're in a committed happy relationship. They don't expect their partners to flip out, so why would they? This is where my problem lies.
So I don't have a clue what to do to calm myself and just enjoy being with someone. Anyone out there have any suggestions?
In all of my exs' defense, I will say that I nitpick when I'm in a relationship to find something, anything, wrong so I have to get out. In my defense there usually is something going on. I have an incredibly strong intuition that senses problems (like lies, withholding information, cheating, etc) and I pick up on the slightest things. But sometimes I think I "activate" my intuition on purpose because I'm uncomfortable being comfortable, if that makes any sense.
I guess I just love that new relationship feeling. The goosebumps, the butterflies, the scenes taken straight from a romantic comedy. I thrive on that feeling. So once things become comfortable and predictable, I get bored. I stir up drama to get out. I do, I admit that, I know that. So how do I fix it? How do I change?
I refuse to stop listening to my intuition. I don't want to fall ignorantly for someone who's going to break my heart. Who does? But how do I calm that intuition so I can get over tiny things that I'm sure I myself do, like flirt with the opposite sex. Everyone does it, even when they're in a committed happy relationship. They don't expect their partners to flip out, so why would they? This is where my problem lies.
So I don't have a clue what to do to calm myself and just enjoy being with someone. Anyone out there have any suggestions?
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Crazy lady, coming through
As I'm getting older, I find I'm not turning into my mom but I'm turning into my ex-best friend's mom. She was stark-raving mad and would sing songs to wake my friend and I up each morning, particularly for church on Sundays.
"Rise, shine, and give God your glory glory.." and "Wake up, the witch is dead! Rub your eyes get out of bed!..", etc.
Yeah. I do that now with my son. Hmm.
This was the same woman who, while I was in Basic training, sent me pictures from my childhood with my ex-best friend's face cut out of them. This was her own daughter, mind you. WTF?!
So yes, it scares me very much to find I'm turning into this woman. Or at least showing signs of it.
And also I'm actually completely fine being a little loony. Because I wouldn't be me if I were sane. And people seem to like me, insanity and all, so it can't be that bad, right? ..Right?
Sincerely,
The Girl Upstairs
"Rise, shine, and give God your glory glory.." and "Wake up, the witch is dead! Rub your eyes get out of bed!..", etc.
Yeah. I do that now with my son. Hmm.
This was the same woman who, while I was in Basic training, sent me pictures from my childhood with my ex-best friend's face cut out of them. This was her own daughter, mind you. WTF?!
So yes, it scares me very much to find I'm turning into this woman. Or at least showing signs of it.
And also I'm actually completely fine being a little loony. Because I wouldn't be me if I were sane. And people seem to like me, insanity and all, so it can't be that bad, right? ..Right?
Sincerely,
The Girl Upstairs
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Jewelry party
So my downstairs neighbors threw a jewelry party tonight. They invited me along. I ended up spending $70 on two pieces of jewelry I didn't really need. But I did eat delicious homemade potato soup and brownies, so I can't complain too much!
Of course I got to introduce myself as "the girl upstairs" when asked how I knew the hostess. Because clearly I don't know her other than the fact that we share a duplex.
One of these posts I'll really dig deep into my relationship issues and stories. They're quite entertaining. And heartbreaking if you're the one who's experienced them. But one day I'll start into that. Just don't know what day that will be.
Sincerely yours,
The Girl Upstairs
Of course I got to introduce myself as "the girl upstairs" when asked how I knew the hostess. Because clearly I don't know her other than the fact that we share a duplex.
One of these posts I'll really dig deep into my relationship issues and stories. They're quite entertaining. And heartbreaking if you're the one who's experienced them. But one day I'll start into that. Just don't know what day that will be.
Sincerely yours,
The Girl Upstairs
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