Day 2 — Your significant other

(a little late)

 Dearest Mathew,

I pray it is not too late for us. We have had so many arguments in recent times and I honestly hate fighting with you. I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you, but for some reason, we just cannot get back on track.

I hope you understand my need to get away this weekend. It has nothing to do with wanting to break up, it's more a way for us to have space without threatening our relationship. You can work all you want and I get to spend alone time with my friends and family. This is good for us. We can come back together and talk and work everything out. Or decide on our future path. Either way, it's needed.

I love you with all my heart and soul and although it's too soon for us to get married, I cannot wait for the day you ask me to be your wife. I am ready, but I will wait until you are as ready as I am, I promise.

 Love you forever and always,
 Jaime

Day 1 — Your oldest friend

Dear Erin,

I'm happy I met you. We got through so many tough times during middle school, high school and thereafter. We survived so many things together and through it all remained the best of friends.

I didn't think moving away would harm our friendship, considering all we've been through. But I guess it has. As close as we have been, my not being there resulted in our growing apart, and I'm sorry.

You now have Anni and Meghan to hang out with, as well as your man Jeremy. I'm happy you have a group still, but when I visit, things aren't the same. I'm an outcast, and because of that, I am not at home there anymore. You wonder why I won't move back home. That is why. I am not a part of that anymore, and I don't know if I ever could be again. I'm at home here, and I love it. I wish we could remain best friends, but time has torn us apart and you no longer need me. I understand. Although I'm not there in body, I will still be there in spirit. I promise.

Forever your very best friend,
Jaime

30 Letters in 30 Days - Intro

 I got this from Jess at Clearly Original. Figured since I haven't been posting on here, I could do this. The days may not be consecutive so bare with me! Here's the letter topics, I'll post Day 1 after this post..

The concept is 30 Days, 30 Letters.
Day 1 — Your oldest friend
Day 2 — Your crush / significant other
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/Ex-girlfriend
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 --- Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to
Day 11 — A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind — good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of time
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Been awhile

Yeah it's been awhile since I wrote. I'm so ashamed! Things have changed drastically in my life and I'm not sure how I feel about them.

I feel a little embarrassed about the extremely personal things I've written about on here and advertised to some very public arenas. But it is what it is and I'm not ashamed of my life.

I currently live with my new boyfriend, Mat, my son Josh and our kitten Felix. We are all living a happy life that's full of possibilities. I'm not going to gush about my man or anything of the like. It's not a high school romance. This is real, this is mature, and I'm not going to taint it with childlike displays of glee. What I will tell you is that I'm finally in a place that feels right. Some of my situation isn't glamorous (I am currently unemployed, for example), but I'm doing the best I can. Like I said, real life.

The things I said about happiness in my last post are still so very true. I've actually found myself feeling depressed about my situation recently and that post has reminded me what I know to be true. Happiness is a state of mind and only you can make yourself happy. So true and I need to re-read that from time to time so these silly feelings go away.

Be happy, be healthy, and above all, rely on yourself.

I wish I could close this as usual but unfortunately I just might have to change my blog name. So I'll end this honestly. Thanks for reading.

-Jaime

Happiness

Happiness is a state of mind. No one can make you happy. You can't buy happiness and there's no miracle drug you can take that will make you happy. Not really. You have to actively choose to be happy with who you are and what's going on in your life. That's what I've learned.

I can finally say I'm happy. After so long of dealing with depression and sad thoughts, I think I'm finally in a happy place. Why? Because I choose to be. Yes, things happen that make you sad, but it's how you deal with them that determines your level of happiness. Think about this the next time you think of yourself as unhappy. You just have to look on the bright side of things.

"My boyfriend dumped me, my world is crashing down." Well, that sucks, it really does, but what else do you have going for you in life? You have to make the effort to live in order to be happy. I thought for the longest time that that saying "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" was a bunch of crap. But really it's pretty accurate. Those moments of happiness you get from relationships really make you who you are. Yes they hurt terribly when they end, but the lessons you learn from them will be a key in deciding your happiness in the future. Now you know not to let future boyfriends do X, Y and Z to you, and you'll know when to spot deal breakers before they escalate into damaging territory.

If I'm not making much sense it may be because I've been drinking, but really, to me, I make perfect sense. If you need further explanation or whatever, feel free to leave a comment with any questions you may have.

People, know this: only you can truly provide your own happiness. And to get there, you just have to make the effort to be happy. It may seem impossible, but trust me, it's not.

Until next time, dear readers, I remain..

The Girl Upstairs

Never meet an online friend irl

Two things I've learned from meeting online friends in real life:

1. No matter how much you think you know them, how much you get along, and how long you've been talking, this does not mean you will get along in real life, and
2. It hurts just as bad as someone who's face you've known forever when they break your heart.

Moral of the story:  If you have trust issues to begin with, do not let your guard down for anyone. Make them earn your trust before you open up and let them in.

Yes, this commitment-phobe took a chance and it bit me in the ass. Never fear, dear readers, I will learn to trust again. When, I don't know.

Long-time online friend, if you're reading: You may have wounded me, but those scars will heal eventually.

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside

-Kelly Clarkson "Behind These Hazel Eyes"

But I will heal, I promise.

Closer to you, my friend

My best friend informed me she knows about something I haven't been able to tell her for years. She was told of this very personal and horrible secret, and fortunately she isn't angry.

It was SUCH a relief that she knows and now there are absolutely no secrets between us. She understands my hesitation in telling her, and that means a lot.

I think we are closer because of it. I still wish things hadn't happened but I'm glad she could hear the facts and not get upset.

I don't care what they say..

..I'm in love with you. - Leona Lewis


So for a week the man of my dreams was here with me. Then he left. And took my heart with him. Cheesy I know, but very true.

I can't quite say that we love each other, but we're definitely falling in love. I know I am at least.

I miss him so much this sucks. All the stupid cheesy songs keep playing at restaurants and in the car..I can't escape them.

I miss Chris :(

One sided

It sucks being in love with someone you're pretty sure isn't in love with you. They tell you not to worry and that they like you etc, but their actions don't show that.

I have fallen in love with this guy. I know it is going to be insanely hard because we live so far apart and he talks to lots. of. girls. but I want this. And I know he does too, but I wish he could show me more. He texts other girls, is vague about things, and just leaves me with an overall sense that something's not right.

And I thought I was the commitment-phobe. It seems I'm the one wanting to the commitment this time. Sigh. I don't know what to think or do. I just want to be with him. I wish I could up and move but I can't.

I feel destined to be alone. When I finally found the right guy, he ends up living too far away for us to work. Should I just give up? Seems like it..

My Reality

This guy is here..my guy. What we shared before we met felt more real than anything I've experienced in a long time. Now he's here, now the reality's here. And it's even better.

I can hold him in my arms, smell his scent. Feel the touch of his lips against mine..

This is the most amazing feeling ever. I am in heaven. Everything is great. I want this.

But when he leaves, I'm afraid he'll take my reality with him..

Procrastination..at it's best!

So..there's this guy. I kinda like him. He lives a ways away and I have never met him. We first started talking online when we were like 13. Yahoo chat, etc. Then we talked on Messenger over the past 10yrs and lived our lives etc. Never really talked much, kinda wanted to meet, but it just never happened.

In two days we will finally meet. After all this time. How exciting! Am I nervous? HELL YES. But is it worth it? Again, HELL YES.

In the past month or so we've been talking pretty much every day. Fun stuff. So I think we've gotten to know each other pretty well. Now we'll see how we handle the dating situation. Maybe we won't like each other. Haha. Or maybe something spectacular will happen..like oh..I don't know..he'll completely win me over. My pessimism is pretty set. So it'll take a lot for me to believe I should be happy..just be happy. I don't know if I know how. I'm hoping he'll show me. I don't know. I guess we'll see.

So anyway, the point of this post is really about how I was supposed to clean my apartment long ago, and here we are two days before he visits, and it's still a mess. I really need to get motivated..blah.

Sincerely,
The Girl Upstairs

Does Love Exist

A friend on Facebook posed the question: "Does love exist?"

Such a good question. I want to say yes. I know the love between my son and I is real, as is the love between my family and I and with my friends. But as far as romantic love goes, does it exist?

As 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 [NIV] states, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

..that says it all. I think it is extremely difficult to find that in a romantic relationship. There always seems to be mistrust, impatience, and recording of wrongdoings. And most of the time little lies are told when you know the other person will be upset by something, however small, you've done. This is common in almost every relationship, as far as the ones I've been in.

I think if both parties are willing to follow that mantra, the one that the Bible clearly states, then you can have love. But when does that happen, really?

I'm still searching for the person who is completely trustworthy. I'm still searching for the one who makes me be a better person for myself as well as them. I truly believe love exists, but I don't know that I've ever felt true, honest, trustworthy love. I hope it's out there.

Thoughts?

Sincerely,
The Girl Upstairs

The Bachelor[ette]

Ever see that movie with Chris O' Donnell in it? That's what I think anytime some kind of commitment is brought up now..lol. When women ask him to marry them, he gets this visual of wild horses running, as if that's all he wants to do, so that's what he sees. I get that same type of feeling when I think about commitment. It's not that I don't want to be happy for the rest of my life with someone, but something always mucks it up.

In all of my exs' defense, I will say that I nitpick when I'm in a relationship to find something, anything, wrong so I have to get out. In my defense there usually is something going on. I have an incredibly strong intuition that senses problems (like lies, withholding information, cheating, etc) and I pick up on the slightest things. But sometimes I think I "activate" my intuition on purpose because I'm uncomfortable being comfortable, if that makes any sense.

I guess I just love that new relationship feeling. The goosebumps, the butterflies, the scenes taken straight from a romantic comedy. I thrive on that feeling. So once things become comfortable and predictable, I get bored. I stir up drama to get out. I do, I admit that, I know that. So how do I fix it? How do I change?

I refuse to stop listening to my intuition. I don't want to fall ignorantly for someone who's going to break my heart. Who does? But how do I calm that intuition so I can get over tiny things that I'm sure I myself do, like flirt with the opposite sex. Everyone does it, even when they're in a committed happy relationship. They don't expect their partners to flip out, so why would they? This is where my problem lies.

So I don't have a clue what to do to calm myself and just enjoy being with someone. Anyone out there have any suggestions?

Crazy lady, coming through

As I'm getting older, I find I'm not turning into my mom but I'm turning into my ex-best friend's mom. She was stark-raving mad and would sing songs to wake my friend and I up each morning, particularly for church on Sundays.

"Rise, shine, and give God your glory glory.." and "Wake up, the witch is dead! Rub your eyes get out of bed!..", etc.

Yeah. I do that now with my son. Hmm.

This was the same woman who, while I was in Basic training, sent me pictures from my childhood with my ex-best friend's face cut out of them. This was her own daughter, mind you. WTF?!

So yes, it scares me very much to find I'm turning into this woman. Or at least showing signs of it.

And also I'm actually completely fine being a little loony. Because I wouldn't be me if I were sane. And people seem to like me, insanity and all, so it can't be that bad, right? ..Right?

Sincerely,
The Girl Upstairs

Jewelry party

So my downstairs neighbors threw a jewelry party tonight. They invited me along. I ended up spending $70 on two pieces of jewelry I didn't really need. But I did eat delicious homemade potato soup and brownies, so I can't complain too much!

Of course I got to introduce myself as "the girl upstairs" when asked how I knew the hostess. Because clearly I don't know her other than the fact that we share a duplex.

One of these posts I'll really dig deep into my relationship issues and stories. They're quite entertaining. And heartbreaking if you're the one who's experienced them. But one day I'll start into that. Just don't know what day that will be.

Sincerely yours,
The Girl Upstairs