Been awhile

Yeah it's been awhile since I wrote. I'm so ashamed! Things have changed drastically in my life and I'm not sure how I feel about them.

I feel a little embarrassed about the extremely personal things I've written about on here and advertised to some very public arenas. But it is what it is and I'm not ashamed of my life.

I currently live with my new boyfriend, Mat, my son Josh and our kitten Felix. We are all living a happy life that's full of possibilities. I'm not going to gush about my man or anything of the like. It's not a high school romance. This is real, this is mature, and I'm not going to taint it with childlike displays of glee. What I will tell you is that I'm finally in a place that feels right. Some of my situation isn't glamorous (I am currently unemployed, for example), but I'm doing the best I can. Like I said, real life.

The things I said about happiness in my last post are still so very true. I've actually found myself feeling depressed about my situation recently and that post has reminded me what I know to be true. Happiness is a state of mind and only you can make yourself happy. So true and I need to re-read that from time to time so these silly feelings go away.

Be happy, be healthy, and above all, rely on yourself.

I wish I could close this as usual but unfortunately I just might have to change my blog name. So I'll end this honestly. Thanks for reading.

-Jaime

Happiness

Happiness is a state of mind. No one can make you happy. You can't buy happiness and there's no miracle drug you can take that will make you happy. Not really. You have to actively choose to be happy with who you are and what's going on in your life. That's what I've learned.

I can finally say I'm happy. After so long of dealing with depression and sad thoughts, I think I'm finally in a happy place. Why? Because I choose to be. Yes, things happen that make you sad, but it's how you deal with them that determines your level of happiness. Think about this the next time you think of yourself as unhappy. You just have to look on the bright side of things.

"My boyfriend dumped me, my world is crashing down." Well, that sucks, it really does, but what else do you have going for you in life? You have to make the effort to live in order to be happy. I thought for the longest time that that saying "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" was a bunch of crap. But really it's pretty accurate. Those moments of happiness you get from relationships really make you who you are. Yes they hurt terribly when they end, but the lessons you learn from them will be a key in deciding your happiness in the future. Now you know not to let future boyfriends do X, Y and Z to you, and you'll know when to spot deal breakers before they escalate into damaging territory.

If I'm not making much sense it may be because I've been drinking, but really, to me, I make perfect sense. If you need further explanation or whatever, feel free to leave a comment with any questions you may have.

People, know this: only you can truly provide your own happiness. And to get there, you just have to make the effort to be happy. It may seem impossible, but trust me, it's not.

Until next time, dear readers, I remain..

The Girl Upstairs

Never meet an online friend irl

Two things I've learned from meeting online friends in real life:

1. No matter how much you think you know them, how much you get along, and how long you've been talking, this does not mean you will get along in real life, and
2. It hurts just as bad as someone who's face you've known forever when they break your heart.

Moral of the story:  If you have trust issues to begin with, do not let your guard down for anyone. Make them earn your trust before you open up and let them in.

Yes, this commitment-phobe took a chance and it bit me in the ass. Never fear, dear readers, I will learn to trust again. When, I don't know.

Long-time online friend, if you're reading: You may have wounded me, but those scars will heal eventually.

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside

-Kelly Clarkson "Behind These Hazel Eyes"

But I will heal, I promise.

Closer to you, my friend

My best friend informed me she knows about something I haven't been able to tell her for years. She was told of this very personal and horrible secret, and fortunately she isn't angry.

It was SUCH a relief that she knows and now there are absolutely no secrets between us. She understands my hesitation in telling her, and that means a lot.

I think we are closer because of it. I still wish things hadn't happened but I'm glad she could hear the facts and not get upset.

I don't care what they say..

..I'm in love with you. - Leona Lewis


So for a week the man of my dreams was here with me. Then he left. And took my heart with him. Cheesy I know, but very true.

I can't quite say that we love each other, but we're definitely falling in love. I know I am at least.

I miss him so much this sucks. All the stupid cheesy songs keep playing at restaurants and in the car..I can't escape them.

I miss Chris :(

One sided

It sucks being in love with someone you're pretty sure isn't in love with you. They tell you not to worry and that they like you etc, but their actions don't show that.

I have fallen in love with this guy. I know it is going to be insanely hard because we live so far apart and he talks to lots. of. girls. but I want this. And I know he does too, but I wish he could show me more. He texts other girls, is vague about things, and just leaves me with an overall sense that something's not right.

And I thought I was the commitment-phobe. It seems I'm the one wanting to the commitment this time. Sigh. I don't know what to think or do. I just want to be with him. I wish I could up and move but I can't.

I feel destined to be alone. When I finally found the right guy, he ends up living too far away for us to work. Should I just give up? Seems like it..

My Reality

This guy is here..my guy. What we shared before we met felt more real than anything I've experienced in a long time. Now he's here, now the reality's here. And it's even better.

I can hold him in my arms, smell his scent. Feel the touch of his lips against mine..

This is the most amazing feeling ever. I am in heaven. Everything is great. I want this.

But when he leaves, I'm afraid he'll take my reality with him..